Using the Tool

Earlier today, I went to Dr. Ren's offices and got a tiny fill...  just .15 of a cc.  That takes me to 2.9 ccs, which is the same level I went to on June 7, 2010.  Believe it or not, this is my first fill since February 12, 2010 -- more than five years ago!  (I'd completely forgotten I'd need to do liquids for 2 days afterwards....)

It's no secret that I've really been struggling with the extra 4-6 pounds that has consistently been on my scale since May.  I have been paying a lot of attention to my diet and working harder than I've worked in the past 5 or so years to keep my weight from edging up even more.  I also haven't felt as great at the beach as I have in the past few years, or as comfortable in my skin or as happy with how my clothing fit.  (So sick of wearing Spanx, miracle product though they may be...)  I even found myself going back to some of the negative self-talk that I did so often before I was banded, but that I stopped doing after my surgery.  I did my best to nip that in the bud and to stop myself when I found myself having those kinds of thoughts (i.e., of the "UGH!  What is wrong with you?!  How did you let yourself gain this weight?!" variety).  Ultimately, I realized that I have a fantastic tool installed that I should be using to help with this.  So, I booked an appointment.

With the hubby out in the Hamptons earlier this month.

Now, with respect to my inability to get off those pounds, let me admit that while I weighed myself every day and generally watched what I ate, I wasn't perfect.  I fully understand that if I cut my calories more, I would have lost the weight.  That's part of why I was so frustrated with myself over this.  I just didn't seem to have it in me to be strict enough to get back to my goal and stay there.  In part, I've been mourning the loss of easier maintenance.  Before my last unfill, it wasn't that hard -- I simply wasn't as hungry, I stayed full longer, and I naturally didn't eat as much.

I sometimes feel like such a weirdo when I go in for my band appointments (which are about once a year these days) because something about being back at the doctor's office (site of so many post-op check-ups, weight loss celebration, etc.) makes me really emotional.  Try though I might, I have a hard time stopping myself from getting choked up and even shedding a few tears of relief, joy and gratitude.  Being at the offices really drives home for me just how far I've come during the past six-plus years and how incredibly grateful I feel to have my weight in a good place (or good place-ish, in today's case).  Please tell me I'm not the only person who gets like this....

Dr. Ren was really great today, as usual.  I told her that I felt ridiculous for only having 4-6 pounds to get off and finding that I was unable to do it on my own.  I thought I was so much more on top of my weight than that, after so many years of losing and maintaining my loss, and that I should be able to just lose the weight by doing what I'd done to maintain before.

I've been feeling badly that I couldn't get the weight off -- as though I am failing at something I thought I mastered.  Dr. Ren told me not to feel badly about this, and (I'm paraphrasing here) that I should use my band, just as any reasonable person with another issue should avail herself of a sound medical solution.  Imminently reasonable advice, and I feel good about being proactive before 4-6 became 10 or more.  Looking forward to getting back to normal soon.