Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!!

Free at last!!! Tonight, I finally finished that huge brief that had me working basically round the clock for the last 13 days! I am so happy that it is signed, sealed and being delivered tomorrow. AND, I'm heading to my dad's house in TX tomorrow and can't wait to see my family!

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Just wanted to send you all my very best wishes for a very happy holiday and an incredible New Year! xoxoxo

New Frontiers

I wound up working most of the morning and afternoon, then left the office for a 4 p.m. hair appointment in Soho. Now it just plain would have been rude of me to go there and not go to my favorite store, right? Right. As it turns out, they were having a crazy sale. AND, somehow, they talked me into buying something I never, EVER thought I'd ever want to wear. . . skinny jeans.

The guy brought me a size 29, and when I saw them, I though -- Oh boy. This is going to be the struggle of a lifetime and I'm going to look like 10 pounds of X in a 5 pound bag after all of it. . . but they fit. And I liked them. (I still have such a hard time understanding how big an article of clothing should be to fit my body -- I can't eyeball it very well at all.) I wound up getting a new dress for work too (navy sheath) and a pair of black pants (size 8) too -- all on serious sale. I also came really close to buying a black Alice & Olivia cocktail dress in distressed velour that had a zipper that ran the entire length of the back (meow!). I decided not to get it because I thought I might get arrested for solicitation . . . LOL! HOWEVER, when I saw that it was a size 6 -- a size that I didn't even wear in HIGH SCHOOL, I kinda wanted to get it. (Don't let me get too excited. . . the material was stretchy and it was pretty tight. . . but it did fit.)

Skinny jeans, skinny jeans. You no longer terrify me!

Saint Catherine of Siena Cookies. .

Dear Lord. . . Please stop me from putting this dollar in the vending machine. . . I really should be spending it on a manicure. And, possibly, a more comfortable hat.

Once again, I am reminded of how much my blog and all of your encouraging comments help me to stay on track. I have said this before, but I don't think I would have done as well without having my blog to keep me accountable and motivated.

Today (now yesterday), I wasn't perfect, but my food choices were an improvement over recent days, despite that I was at the office past midnight. I had oatmeal for breakfast, a nice piece of salmon for lunch and some kind of flaky white fish for dinner (thank God for an infinite supply of places that deliver to my office). I also had (it pains me to admit) a small package of peanut M&Ms late-afternoon. Nonetheless, it was still a respectable day, food-wise.

I don't usually suffer from "head hunger" very much, but tonight, I had it like crazy. I realized today that I must have used eating as a procrastination tool when I was overwhelmed with work and on my way up the scale. Despite that I was totally full, I had an urge to overeat during dinner, but my band kept me in check.

Later, I had a really, really strong urge to get cookies from our vending machine. But, since I'd already had M&Ms and, when I checked in with myself, I realized that I was not AT ALL hungry, I talked myself out of it. I had to do that THREE separate times. The second time, I stood in front of the machine for a few seconds looking at the options, then walked away. The third time, I had a dollar in my hand and was thisclose to putting it into the machine. Fortunately, that was after 10 p.m., so no one was there to hear me when I said "For f*#! sake, Catherine!! You are NOT HUNGRY!!!! WALK AWAY!!" (I seriously said that out loud. . . hello, crazy!) But, it worked. I got a green tea instead, and I feel really good about not giving in. I didn't even really WANT those cookies. I think I just wanted to take a break from my work.

It's amazing how much easier the recession made my weight loss part of this journey. Getting out of work by 6:30 or 7 on a regular basis was a huge help. I can't imagine getting to the gym as often as I have if I was working these hours all of the time, which is what I did for my entire career until about 2 or so years ago. I also think it would have been more difficult for me to avoid sabotaging myself, given my instincts during the past week. But now, I have my eye out for bad behavior, and I avoid it most of the time, and fight it when I start going down that path. For me, I see that as a sign that I have changed, despite that my old bad instincts kick in now and then. That, plus the fact that I am dying to get in a few workouts leaves me with no doubt about the strength of the changes I've made or my long-term commitment to working with my band.

Sending major love to all of you for helping me with this, with your own blogs, your comments and the fact that we all make up a pretty incredible community.

Not Good. (Unless anyone needed evidence that I'm not perfect)

I have realized this week that if I didn't have my band, I'd be on a path to gain back all of this weight. I've had an extremely demanding week at work, since I'm writing a combined response and cross-motion that involves some fairly complex technical issues relating to computer software (read: your basic nightmare). I'm far along now, and I do enjoy doing this work. But, until I get it done, the sheer immensity of the task (getting the research I need, writing the brief, putting together the supporting declarations and exhibits, etc.) creates a fair amount of pressure. And the kicker here is that my filing deadline isn't until December 24th, but I am hell-bent on filing by the 22nd (the day I leave for Christmas). BUT. . I do know that I have those extra days if I need them. BUT .. if I take the extra time, it will ruin my holiday.

Anyway, you should see the crap I've eaten this week. I usually make such good food choices, but Monday night, I got a blondie and mac & cheese from Au Bon Pain for dinner. Tuesday was fine. Wednesday, I had oatmeal for breakfast (good), then Thai noodles with chicken for lunch, with the leftovers for dinner. Not terrible. . except that when I got home around 10 p.m., I had two glasses of red wine and most of an avocado. Yesterday, I had a granola bar for breakfast (totally fine), some sashimi and a California roll for lunch (wonderful!), some peanut M&Ms (not great, not horrendous in the scheme of the day), and (WTF, Catherine?!?!) nachos for dinner. OK, so I ate about six chips worth (smothered in cheese, beans, sour cream and guac, I might add. .) and tossed the rest, but it was still a gross choice. This is worse than I ate when I was fat!!! Oh, and I haven't been to the gym all week because the earliest I've left the office this week was still after 9 p.m. That is IT. I am done with this trend. Today is a new day.

Anyway, if I ever wondered what ever motivated me to binge eat (which is how I consider I've eaten this week, even if the amounts were small), it's clear as a bell right now. It's work. It seems that I still have an impulse to reward myself with food when I am stuck working long hours. Until the recession hit, that was my norm for about 11 years, which tends to explain how I got to my highest weight.

And, I have an impulse to overeat in that situation too. All I can say is, thank God for my band. I know that a few days of my usual schedule will put me right back on the good path. Still, it was kind of surprising (and frightening) to me to see how easy it was to backslide into this bad behavior, despite that I've made so many good, positive changes through the last two years.

Weirdly, as of this morning, I haven't even gained 1/10th of a pound. But I feel sluggish and bloated - ugh.

Bandster Meeting!

I had such a nice time at dinner tonight! Justine from Adventures in Band Land is in NYC right now, visiting from the UK, and we met up at The Standard Grill! It was so nice to finally meet Justine, who is a year younger than me -- both age-wise and band-wise, and to get to know her better and to share band stories with her.

One of the many things that I like about blogging and being banded is that it has brought so many new people who I really like into my life. I really had such a good time tonight, and since I follow Justine's blog, it was more like meeting an old friend than meeting someone for the first time. If you haven't checked out her blog yet, I included a link above!

OMG, Becky. . . Look At My Butt!

I know I wrote this once before, but thought it was worth mentioning again that -- from the time I first heard Sir Mixalot sing it up until sometime this year, I used to do whatever I could to hide myself (leave the dance floor, put it in a chair, etc.) whenever "Baby Got Back" was played! Don't get me wrong. I like that song as much as the next girl. . . it's just so freaking catchy. . . But, I thought that I'd just be INVITING people to notice my gigantic bee-hind, which was my most hated body part for as long as I can remember.

Well, guess what?

Things have changed during the past 2+ years.

They have changed A LOT.

OH. MY. G*D, Becky.

I kind of like my butt. And I can not lie.

Today for possibly the first time in my entire life. . . I wore an outfit on purpose that (gasp! shock!!) calls attention to my butt. Yup. I wore my new Hudson jeans with a sweater that did not hide the heinie.

Photographic evidence! (I wore my hair down though)

From the front

And the side. .

So Ladies (yeah!), Ladies (yeah!)

Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah!)

Then turn around

Stick it out

Even white boys got to shout

Baby got [a lot less] back!!

EIGHTY THREE!!! How in the world?!

Holy cr@p! I was really surprised to see the scale down this morning! It registered at 146.8. I seriously had to get off the scale, move it and stand on it again, just to make sure this wasn't a false reading. I'm kind of surprised that it's down, since it's been so hard to take off weight now that I'm below my initial goal. But, I've been making good food choices lately and have been working out regularly, so I guess it shouldn't be such a shocker. Still . . . I am now only 1.8 pounds from my aspirational goal. You know, the one I didn't set as my actual goal because it was so hard for me to imagine that I could possibly get there?? Yup. that's the one. Crazy!! I didn't think I could do it, but apparently, I can. (And if I can do it, you can too. Amazing stuff, right? I could not even IMAGINE this happening when I started.)

OK, time for me to put on my new Hudson jeans (just got 'em back from the tailor . . they are hemmed & ready to go!) and go meet my dear friend Tracy (a non-blogging bandster friend) for brunch! Have I mentioned how much I love my band? Also, I'd like to give a shout out to another non-blogging bandster friend, Nora, who was banded last week. Nora, welcome to Band Land! I am so excited for you -- you have so much to look forward to!

Scar Attraction Revisited. . . Again

I noticed a while ago that my smallest scar has faded to the point that I can barely see it anymore. The big one (I had 2-incision surgery with Dr. Rumbaut in Monterrey, Mexico) has faded a lot too, and it doesn't seem that noticeable anymore. For more than a year after my October 23, 2008 surgery date, it was still pretty red, as you can see from the April 2009 photo below. My doctor said that the bottom scar was "keloid" and that I might have been allergic to the stitches.

Click on the photo if you want to see a larger image. . or avoid clicking it if you don't!

Nonetheless, both scars have faded pretty well. I've got my "hernia surgery" excuse at the ready, in case anyone asks me about the scars and I don't feel like telling them that I had lap band surgery. I feel lucky that my port doesn't show, though if I lose more than 5 more pounds, I think it will stick out a little bit. It's definitely easier to feel, now that there is less fat surrounding it. I don't think there is going to be any way for me to avoid having someone I'm dating come across it eventually.

Unfortunately, I haven't thought of a good explanation for the port if I'm not ready to disclose the type of surgery I had. As of right now, my explanation will be "I had stomach surgery, and they put in some hardware that completely fixed the problem I was having." . . Followed by "I'll tell you about it some other time" if I'm pressed for more information. Does anyone else have a better way to deal with this? I could use some pointers!

OK, and for good measure, here is a bigger photo. It was interesting to me to go back to my March 6, 2010 post -- which was taken nine months and about nine pounds ago -- to see the difference in how my body looks with those few pounds off and nine months of serious workouts in. I'm going to post that photo below this one.

Photo from this morning:

Photo from March 6, 2010

(Nine Pounds and Nine Months Ago)

Funk

I've been in a little bit of a funk since my last post. The whole Erica thing was really disappointing, and I was mulling over how to handle the situation. Ultimately, she wound up calling me at work and I picked up, since I didn't recognize the number. Anyway, I let her know that I was bothered by her deliberately misleading me and by hiding the fact that she'd been to the reception. Funny enough, she told me that the reason she hid it was because she "felt guilty." So, it wasn't about protecting my feelings ultimately, after all. (As if I'd be upset that she went in the first place. .) Lame, lame, lame. This is not the behavior of a true friend.

In other news, I broke things off with Chris the week before last. He just didn't seem to be able to handle the possibility of moving and dating me at the same time. Basically, he still wanted to spend a ton of time with me, but he rolled back the physical side of things (which had barely even gone anywhere in the first place) to the point that I was left quesitoning whether he was even attracted to me! He'd be very affectionate when we were out, but the minute we were alone together. . . screeching halt. This was very different from how he was pre-job-opportunity, and I really did not like the change. We had a very open discussion about it, and his intentions sounded good, but I just don't think that's normal behavior. He doesn't even have an offer yet... not to mention that I don't know any guy who would be THIS conservative, especially when things seemed so good on the chemistry front at the outset. Anyway, since he is not capable of going with the flow, and I was feeling slighted, annoyed and frustrated, I decided to just stop seeing him entirely and focus on meeting someone else.

So. . . I've been pouting for the last week or so, but am now feeling better. For me, I really laid low this weekend, and it was just what I needed. Don't worry that I'm turning into a hermit or anything... I met up with friends for drinks, dinner and a party at the Bulgarian Consulate where a friend's jazz was playing on Friday and went to my favorite spa with my friend Hayley on Saturday for luxury mani/pedis. But, after that, I haven't left the house since! I cleaned, did laundry, stayed in bed and watched Masterpiece Classics on Netflix, and finally got out of my pjs around 3 p.m. to take a bath. Much better!

Now I'm going to pop on some clothes and get a massage at a super cheap, semi-suspect-looking Chinese massage place near me that I go to periodically! Fingers crossed I don't get bed bugs or put next to someone getting a happy ending! KIDDING!! (Kind of. .) LOL