My Backup Plan for A$$-Kicking Continuity

I've mentioned a few times lately that I get concerned that I might have a problem with my band sometime down the road. Again, it's been smooth sailing for me for the past 2 years and 8 months, but I get concerned when I hear stories from other bandster friends who have had problems, and I know that there is always some risk that I'll have a problem too. This risk doesn't make me regret having my surgery. On the contrary, I am glad every single day to be able to live life feeling good about my weight.

What it does is make me hell-bent on figuring out a game plan, just in case I might need it later on. I did a game plan (my Post-Op Plan for Success) before I had my surgery, and it really helped me to stay focused, especially in the beginning. So, I thought that putting together another plan would give me a good ready-made road map of what to do if there is ever trouble in band paradise. Here it is.....

My Backup Plan for A$$ Kicking Continuity

1. I am NOT going to say F**K IT, this is my excuse to eat.

2. I will NOT stop working out regularly (unless my doctor forbids it).

3. I WILL pay attention to what I am eating and how many calories I'm taking in.

4. I WILL join WW or another plan if my weight is creeping up, and I will rock that plan to the best of my ability.

5. I WILL be proactive about my care, whether in getting my band repaired or in considering other options like the sleeve (footnote to the lovely Jacquie for bravely paving that road!).

6. I WILL blog through this process, no matter how sh*tty I feel or how hard it is.

That's all I can think of right now. What about you? Are there other things we should add to this list? Does anyone else have a backup plan?

Motivation and Compli-sults

Lap Band Gal recently posed the question on her blog: "Where does your motivation come from?" ... And because Blogger is the WORST, I couldn't post my comment.

For me, I get really motivated by how much more I like how my body looks now. I also know that if I hit the gym hard 3 times a week, I look better at the end of the week than I did at the start. I also like how I feel while I'm spinning or doing yoga (and how I feel about the fact that I do spin and yoga now), and that really keeps me going too. Plus, I like wearing my cute workout outfits. (I salaam to Lulu Lemon.)

Speaking of clothing, that's another huge source of motivation for me. I freaking LOVE (LOOOOVVVVE) being able to find beautiful clothing in my size! I love being able to wear pants without hosiery underneath .. and dresses without a body shaper (though sometimes they really do the trick.. I don't care how thin a girl is....) I have always really liked fashion, and living NYC was a bit like dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean, shopping-wise (OK, maybe a bit dramatic..). Even though I live in one of the best shopping cities in the world, I shopped nearly exclusively shopped on-line or through a personal shopper for years before I got banded. Trying to find clothing that fit me was just a miserable experience that just reminded me of how unhappy I was about my weight. Yet now it's actually fun! And I will be DAMNED before I let my new things look tight on me! So, that gets my butt in the gym, too.

Another one of the comments that *#@! Blogger wouldn't let me post yesterday was on Amy's blog. She wrote about the "such a pretty face" comment that so many of us have heard for years. I always hated that one. It always sounded like a backhanded insult about my body to me, no matter how it was intended. In fact, I have a word for things like this.... "Complisult." Part compliment, part insult! And, a great comeback if you're on the receiving end of one is to say "Wow! That's the best compli-sult I've gotten all day!" :D

Expect the Best.. Plan for the Worst?

I've posted before that my biggest worry about the band is the possibility that something could go wrong and prevent me from relying on it anymore. I don't have any particular reason for worrying about this. I haven't had any problems with my band at all, and I have been good about not keeping my band too tight (which can be a source of problems, according to my doctor).

Out with Steve on Friday night celebrating the engagement of my friends M&B

I've changed my life a lot in the past 2 years and 8 months since I was banded. Exercise has become an important part of my day-to-day life. (I actually hit spin the last three days in a row -- and looked forward to it each time! This would not have happened three years ago.) If I didn't have my band, as long as I could still work out, I am relatively sure that I wouldn't gain back all 80+ pounds that I've lost.

But, I would gain back some. You know why? Well, it's because I allow myself to eat a fair amount of cr@p now and, since I can only eat a little of it, it doesn't really impact my weight. But, without the band keeping me in check, I'm pretty sure that my portions would be bigger and that this would translate into more weight.

I'm going to try to make some more changes in my eating, and to make choices that will help me to keep the weight off if I ever do have a problem with my band. I started yesterday... by avoiding what has become a regular thing for me... a mid-afternoon cookie break. My thought is that it's not that hard to make these changes with the band, and if they become habit, I'll be in a much better position if anything ever does happen. And, if the band keeps working like a charm, I'll just be healthier and getting better nutrition. (Not that I'm totally giving up cookies.... or planning to change my wine intake or anything crazy like that.... I'm just going to make some small adjustments and see how it goes.) :)

Survived South Beach! :)

At the Loew's Hotel in South Beach on Sunday

My trip to Florida last weekend was all too short! But, I had a great time visiting with my mom, and we shopped 'til we dropped on Saturday! I was looking for a few new dresses to wear to work to get me through the summer, but didn't find any. Funny... I figured that I'd just magically find exactly what I neeed at the amazing Boca Raton mall now that I'm a size 8 or 10... apparently it's not that easy!

Mom and I, having brunch at the Emeril Lagasee restaurant at the Loew's Hotel

On Sunday, we drove out to Miami to visit Aunt X, and the visit went surprisingly well. She and my uncle were very complimentary about how I looked, but didn't make too much of a big deal about it. I'm probably only about 15 pounds thinner (though a lot leaner because of all the working out) than I was when they saw me in 2001. I'm not sure, but that may be the last time they saw me.
I keep thinking back on why I was so hurt by what my aunt said about my weight in the past. I don't think she ever said anything that wasn't true when she commented on my weight. And, it seems pretty obvious that her interest in others' weight surely had a lot to do with her own severe weight problem. I suppose the fact of the matter is that sometimes it is painful to hear the truth, and that it also is upsetting to feel so judged by family on your external appearance. It's also upsetting and annoying to hear painful truths about very personal things, particularly when you haven't asked for, and don't want to hear, the speaker's opinion.

Anyway, all of this was a long time ago, and I no longer feel the same way about my weight or myself. It's very empowering to finally have control over something that had such power about the way I felt about myself, and the way others saw me.

True Lies (And a New Comparison Photo)

Warning.. if you click on this, the photo will get bigger... :)

People try all the time to dispel supposed myths about being thin and about weight loss surgery. The funny thing is that, as I get farther along in this process, I realize that I don't 100% agree with the top two things I hear the most. Here they are:

1. "Being thin won't make you happy."

AND

2. "The band isn't a magic wand."

On no. 1, being thin actually will make you happy if -- like me -- the biggest thing bothering you in your life is the fact that you are overweight. I feel happier every single day because I finally feel good about that one huge issue. I no longer wake up to the thought of how disgusted I am with myself, thinking "Ugh. How did I let myself get so fat??" Also, when I was at my heaviest, my feet would hurt even right when I woke up. My heels cracked in colder weather, which was painful at times. I never have that anymore. Getting dressed wasn't fun, but now it is. Shopping was torture -- especially shopping with thin friends in stores where there was nothing I could try on because it was all too small. That has all completely changed.

So, as it turns out, being thin actually does make me happier. Obviously, it doesn't solve completely unrelated problems. But for me, weight was the one problem that I just couldn't solve on my own before, despite that I tried many times. Solving an issue that has made me feel badly for as long as I can remember has really been life changing, and has improved my overall happiness incredibly.

On no. 2, in some ways, I do think the band is like a magic wand. Clearly, it doesn't work if you don't work with it. But, it has made losing a significant amount of weight -- and maintaining the loss -- possible for me. In fact, it has made it so much easier than it would have been without my band's help, that I do think of my band as being a bit magical... or a miracle of modern science at any rate... :)

Ready to Stop Hiding

Me - June 2006. Two years pre-band.

Did any of you avoid people you hadn't seen for a while after you got really heavy? I know that I sure did. One of the main people I avoided is one of my aunts. This aunt (let's call her "Aunt X") can be quite a lot of fun to be around, but she has always been quick to make comments about my weight. Usually those comments were directed to my mother, who would then repeat them to me, not realizing how incredibly hurtful it was to me to hear them.

With my mother in Positano, Italy in June 2006. I was on Weight Watchers at the time, and fast approaching my heaviest weight.

For perspective, let me give you the background that Aunt X ranged from somewhere between 200 to well over 300 pounds during the years when these comments were made, and I was only about 20-30 pounds overweight at my absolute heaviest during that time. Cut to sometime around 2000, when Aunt X had gastric bypass surgery. She wound up being around a size 2 and had a full body lift, in addition to other surgery -- and she looks absolutely fantastic. I had no idea that she was so pretty before then, though she always carried herself well and dressed nicely.

At the Sirenuse Hotel in Positano, Italy - June 2006

Being heavy gave rise to my superpower photo cropping skills....

Anyway, I have completely avoided seeing her for the last 7 or 8 years because I didn't want her to see me so heavy, and I didn't want to hear anything she had to say about my weight. So, now that I'm where I want to be, weight-wise, I kind of want to see her. I'm willing to accept that this may be a bit disfunctional on my part, but I kind of want to just show up all thin and be like ... Hi! (What? I've looked like this every day since you saw me last!)

As it turns out, Aunt X is going to be in Florida when I'm there next month. And if truth be told, it's not completely a coincidence that I planned my trip to overlap with her stay. I guess I'm ready to show myself finally.

In Napa Valley with Steve - May 2011