Using the Tool

Earlier today, I went to Dr. Ren's offices and got a tiny fill...  just .15 of a cc.  That takes me to 2.9 ccs, which is the same level I went to on June 7, 2010.  Believe it or not, this is my first fill since February 12, 2010 -- more than five years ago!  (I'd completely forgotten I'd need to do liquids for 2 days afterwards....)

It's no secret that I've really been struggling with the extra 4-6 pounds that has consistently been on my scale since May.  I have been paying a lot of attention to my diet and working harder than I've worked in the past 5 or so years to keep my weight from edging up even more.  I also haven't felt as great at the beach as I have in the past few years, or as comfortable in my skin or as happy with how my clothing fit.  (So sick of wearing Spanx, miracle product though they may be...)  I even found myself going back to some of the negative self-talk that I did so often before I was banded, but that I stopped doing after my surgery.  I did my best to nip that in the bud and to stop myself when I found myself having those kinds of thoughts (i.e., of the "UGH!  What is wrong with you?!  How did you let yourself gain this weight?!" variety).  Ultimately, I realized that I have a fantastic tool installed that I should be using to help with this.  So, I booked an appointment.

With the hubby out in the Hamptons earlier this month.

Now, with respect to my inability to get off those pounds, let me admit that while I weighed myself every day and generally watched what I ate, I wasn't perfect.  I fully understand that if I cut my calories more, I would have lost the weight.  That's part of why I was so frustrated with myself over this.  I just didn't seem to have it in me to be strict enough to get back to my goal and stay there.  In part, I've been mourning the loss of easier maintenance.  Before my last unfill, it wasn't that hard -- I simply wasn't as hungry, I stayed full longer, and I naturally didn't eat as much.

I sometimes feel like such a weirdo when I go in for my band appointments (which are about once a year these days) because something about being back at the doctor's office (site of so many post-op check-ups, weight loss celebration, etc.) makes me really emotional.  Try though I might, I have a hard time stopping myself from getting choked up and even shedding a few tears of relief, joy and gratitude.  Being at the offices really drives home for me just how far I've come during the past six-plus years and how incredibly grateful I feel to have my weight in a good place (or good place-ish, in today's case).  Please tell me I'm not the only person who gets like this....

Dr. Ren was really great today, as usual.  I told her that I felt ridiculous for only having 4-6 pounds to get off and finding that I was unable to do it on my own.  I thought I was so much more on top of my weight than that, after so many years of losing and maintaining my loss, and that I should be able to just lose the weight by doing what I'd done to maintain before.

I've been feeling badly that I couldn't get the weight off -- as though I am failing at something I thought I mastered.  Dr. Ren told me not to feel badly about this, and (I'm paraphrasing here) that I should use my band, just as any reasonable person with another issue should avail herself of a sound medical solution.  Imminently reasonable advice, and I feel good about being proactive before 4-6 became 10 or more.  Looking forward to getting back to normal soon.

Summer Fun and Bouncing Scale

In Nantucket with the hubby!

My scale has been bouncing all over those pesky pounds I put on in May.  I continually bounce between 157 and 161, which is hugely annoying since I spent the past 5-6 years hovering around 154-157.  I can feel a difference just from these few pounds.  While my clothes fit, they look better and are more comfortable just those few pounds looser.

That said, the summer has been a lot of fun!  Steve and I have been away most weekends, visiting different places, including the Bahamas, Nantucket, the Hamptons, Saratoga and the Adirondack Mountains.  It's been a blast, and we've really enjoyed it.

It's been hard to get in all of my workouts given that work is very busy and I usually count on Saturday and Sunday to get in two workouts.  However, when I'm traveling, that doesn't often happen.  Certainly on some weekends I get exercise (cycling, hiking, etc.) but it's not the same as going to my favorite spinning class twice.  I did start doing an extra yoga class on Tuesday mornings, and I've been doing that consistently for the past two months, so that has to be helping some.

This morning, I thought about going back to my doctor for a teensy-weensy fill to help me with this weight.  I do think I'll tough it out without the fill for a bit longer though to see if I can do it myself. While I'm being reasonably good on the food choice front and have been weighing myself daily (i.e. the only reason I haven't gained more), I could be better.  Also, I'm enjoying not having the reflux issues I had before (now that I think of it, I haven't had reflux in a long time).

The struggle continues!  I try to remind myself to be grateful for where I am and how far I've come, but those extra pounds are on my nerves!  I want them gone!

Hard to budge...

Well, I'm still trying to get those extra pounds off.  It doesn't help that Steve and I are out of town for weekend trips most weekends, or that I've been working long hours, including all day both days last weekend.  However, I have worked out the past four days in a row (one spin class, three yoga classes), so I do feel good about that.  This morning, the scale had moved only .2.... to 158.6.  Still, that's better than the 160 I saw again after last weekend.

It seems pretty clear to me that this gain is related to my unfill.  I had no trouble maintaining my goal weight until I did the unfill.  However, I do think that being rid of reflux and not worrying that I am damaging my stomach to the point that I could completely lose my band are worth being up 3.6 pounds.  Also, I am sure that if I just keep focused and watch what I eat, I'll be able to get that weight off and keep it off.

Darn it, this is annoying!!  Come back 155!!

Getting there....

OK!  I'm making some progress.  The scale has been at 158.8 for the past two days, which tells me that's a real number.  When I see 157, I'll feel a lot better because that's in my safety-bounce zone from my goal weight of 155.  That said, I'm not stopping until I'm back at 155.

To get back to goal, I've been doing a few things.  One of the most important changes I make when I'm trying to lose weight is that I stop doing carbs at breakfast.  That's right... no buttered roll from the donut cart guy.... which is a treat I might otherwise let myself have once a week.  Instead, I have one of these delicious lowfat Dannon yogurts.  I don't go nonfat because it doesn't taste as good and isn't as filling.  This isn't a hardship because I freaking love this yogurt, but admittedly, I'm generally famished by the time my lunch gets here.

Sorry Mr. Donut Cart!  No order for you!

For lunch and dinner, I've been staying away from meat and have mainly been eating fish.  I'm not doing that as much for calorie reasons as because I've noticed that I feel better (lighter, not sluggish) after I eat fish than I do after I eat pork or beef... and I don't really like chicken that much, especially post-band when dry chicken can be really hard to eat.

I'm ordering from the smug-healthy place again today.  I ordered chipotle glazed shrimp, braised Mediterranean style artichoke hearts and brown rice, with slow-cooked apples and pears for dessert.  I think we all know that I'm secretly hoping they put another Butterfinger in with my order....  :)

Snail-like progress...

I'm feeling a little better, since I've seen 159.8 on the scale for two days running.  I've been trying to be good about my food choices, and I also ate very light dinners both nights, which is helpful to me (especially since I got home from work after 9 both nights).

Yesterday, I ordered lunch from a really great, super-healthy spot.  I got a dish that combined grilled salmon, mango, radish, kale and brown rice ... Gwynneth would have approved....  And for a treat, I got slow-cooked apples, which were delicious.  The place I ordered from is of the type that advertises that its brownies are made with cage-free eggs...  you get the idea.  So, you can imagine that I was COMPLETELY SHOCKED (!!!) when my beautiful, smug-healthy-person lunch showed up and there was a freaking Butterfinger candy bar in the bag!!!  WTH?!?

Seriously?!?  Are the forces of nature working against me??  I have to believe that one of the workers at this spot accidentally dropped the candy bar in there (or maybe it's a prank to de-rail the smug-healthy eaters of this world??).  Needless to say, Butterfingers are my favorite candy bar, and I didn't even pretend to myself that I wasn't going to eat it.  In fact, I savored that thing and stretched out the treat the entire afternoon.  Hence the scale not moving this morning, despite that I barely ate any dinner.  Oh well.  Today is a new day, and I begin again...

Still Struggling...

I am having a hell of a time getting off this weight.  I'm sure that my recent unfill is part of the issue -- though it has reduced my reflux to pretty much zero, which is a very good thing, and I know that I needed to do it.  This morning, I was still at 161.4.  I keep bouncing around in this range.  That a small unfill can make a difference tells me that I might well be up the creek if I ever were to lose my band.

Now... am I REALLY having a hell of a time getting the weight off, or am I just annoyed that it hasn't come off despite that I've only made a few changes to my behavior?  OK... OK... I admit it!!  I haven't been watching what I eat as much as I need to to lose these pounds!  I know that I just have to be even more diligent about working out and focus on making the right food choices.  I've been reasonably good on the food end, but it's been hard to get to my workouts as much as I would like because I've been working longer hours this year.

Still, I'm weighing in every day and am determined not to let these few pounds turn into something more significant -- and to get them the heck off as quickly as I can.  I want to see my goal range on the scale every day again, and I'm determined to get there.

Darn... Too Good to be True...

OK, the scale gave me some false reassurance the other day....  it turns out that the 155.4 wasn't a real number....  I was probably a little dehydrated from my spin class.  As of this morning, I'm coming in at 158.6, which is right in line with what I weighed yesterday.  This is a much better number for me, emotionally, than the 161.4 that took me by surprise after my trip, but it's still about 2 pounds away from the safety zone I like to stay in...  Not a big deal -- I'm just taking note of where I am.

With all that said, I have to wonder why I just HAD to have ice cream after dinner last night...  I didn't go crazy with the portion size, but ... really?  I do actually know that eating ice cream is not the way to lose weight.  I need to get my head out of my you-know-what and focus until I'm back in my happy zone...

Thanks for listening.  This is a really important part of maintenance for me, and I hope it's not coming across as obnoxious for me to blog about 2-6 measley pounds.  If I didn't stay on top of small gains like this, it's unlikely I'd be able to keep off the weight I worked so hard to lose.  As it happens, that's exactly how I defeated the results of every single diet I ever was on before I was banded, and it's how I got to 230 pounds in the first place.

Much Ado About Nothing?

Happily, but surprisingly, I got on the scale this morning to read 155.4.  I didn't believe it, so I moved the scale and got on and off it four more times, getting the exact same weight each time.  Is it really possible that my scale moved 5 pounds in one day?  I guess so -- my stomach had been a little wonky for the past few days and was finally feeling better...  I am sure that had some impact.  Also, I went to yoga on Monday and hit a spin class on Tuesday, which surely helped as well.

I'll see how it goes tomorrow -- I'm not convinced this morning's number is the true number, but I'll see if it holds another day.  

What I like about this experience (short though it's been) is that it tells me how much I've changed over the past six years.  Pre-band, that 6 pounds would have become 10 in a blink of an eye... then 20, then more.  But now, by getting on the scale most days, I can nip a gain in the bud, get on top of it, and avoid derailing years of good behavior.  Feeling good about that.

I'm not going back.

Keeping Track

This morning, the scale read in at 160.4.  I was really hoping that more than a pound of that gain was just water weight that would come off after a day of conscientious eating.  Oh well.... I'll take the pound.  I don't want to be too crazy about it -- I know I'll get back to my goal range soon if I just keep watching what I eat.  But, I'm dying to get back in the 150-range!

Plus, Steve and I have a trip to the Bahamas coming up very soon, and I'm going to have to be in a bathing suit.....

Ack!!!

I just got back from a week of meetings in California.  I flew out on Friday, was in San Diego until Wednesday, then in San Francisco from Wednesday night until Saturday morning.  What was I doing?  Lots of wining and dining of clients and prospective clients.

The ladies' room at Bang Bang in San Diego -- covered in Gosling!

What wasn't I doing?  Working out -- and I didn't have access to my scale.  I really rely on my scale to keep me on top of my weight.  If it's a little up, I make better food choices that day, and if it's a little down, I let myself have a treat if I am in the mood.  One solid week of no scale and lots of eating out is definitely not good for my maintenance plans.

Some San Francisco Scenery

This morning, my scale was at 161.4.  That's SIX POUNDS over my goal.  I also haven't seen the 160s for a really long time -- probably a few years -- and it freaked me out.

Am I surprised?  Honestly, with checking my scale every day and reining it in if I have a splurge day, it's very easy for me to stay right at my goal weight.  I wouldn't have been shocked to be up 2-3 pounds, but to be up so much that I'm in a different 10-pound range?!  I was not expecting that.  Then again, after a week of unbridaled eating, I really shouldn't be so surprised.

Papaya salad and pho at The Slanted Door in San Francisco (which was followed by cheese at another spot, and ice cream at another... my biggest splurge eating day.... is it any wonder the scale is not friendly today?)

This is no tragedy, it's just time for me to check back in (hence this post) and get on top of it before that six pounds has a chance to inch up to ten.  I'm going to do light yogurt for breakfast every day, make healthy choices for my other meals, and get in some good exercise this week.  I'll check back in to let you know how it's going.

Oof.  I hope all my clothes still fit!

A Positive Deflation

So.... if I look at my blog, I've been thinking over having a little unfill for about two years.  Why is that?  Well.. I have reflux from time to time when I'm sleeping, and I have to be pretty vigilant about not eating or drinking for a few hours before I go to bed to avoid that.  Unfortunately, that's not always practical, especially since I switched firms in October and have been working much longer hours, and don't always have the luxury of having dinner before 9 p.m.  (Don't get me wrong, I am HUGELY happy about this move -- I love the new firm, and the work is more interesting than ever.)

I've been thinking more seriously about the unfill lately because the reflux has been more frequent and I really, REALLY do not want to do anything that might damage my band or my stomach.  I want to do everything I can to avoid creating a situation that makes me have to have it taken out.  If that happens on its own, so be it, but I don't want it happening on my watch.

Longtime bandster CindyLew, who many of you oldtimers will remember (though she took her blog down a while ago), contacted me recently and we were e-mailing about these issues.  She inspired me to call my doctor, and I went in yesterday and had my first unfill since June 2010!  I am now at 2.75 cc in my 5 cc band, and I slept like a dream last night!  I also was able to eat kale at dinner (even though I normally don't like kale), which is tough enough that I was worried about missing a bite and getting stuck.  I think I'm at a good fill, and I hope that being proactive about the unfill (er, if you can call hemming and hawing about it for 2+ years before finally getting it done...) will help me to avoid problems with my band.

Six Year Streak!

With my dear hubby at a Christmas dinner.

This year makes six years in a row that I haven't gained weight over the holidays!  I feel really good about that, especially since -- pre-band -- I probably gained most years during that time.  My band is a huge help with this because it forces me to be mindful of what and how I eat, but the other changes I've made in the last six years help, too.

I was at my brother's house over Christmas (I never did get around to telling him about my band, so he still doesn't know), and we wound up going to the gym quite a bit.  I hit two yoga classes and two spin classes while I was there, and went on a bunch of walks, too.  I bet someone who didn't know us would think we were one of those obnoxiously healthy and fit families (heck, maybe we've become one of those families)!  All of these changes feel very natural and part of my life to me, but when I look at how different life is now from seven years ago, it's astounding to me how much things have changed for the better.  Feeling very grateful.  I'm excited to see what nice things 2015 may have in store.

Wishing you a very happy and healthy New Year!!