Summer Shopping. . .

Last week. . . for the first time since college, I (drumroll, please). . . bought myself a bikini! (Gulp!) This is a major achievement and a huge big deal for me!! Two years ago, it was unimaginable to me that I would ever be able to wear a bikini with confidence ever again!! While I'm not at risk for getting drafted for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, after 18 months of band and 11 months of boot camp, yoga and running, I think I'm representing OK for the 39 and up crowd!

Not me. But hey, with a few hours (days?) of PhotoShop. . maybe it could be?? LOL

I actually bought two bikinis on-line. . and a third yesterday, with the plan of keeping the one(s) that fit the best. I learned an important lesson, which is that I have no idea how a bikini will fit me by looking at a photo of it on-line! Two came in last night, and I rushed in to try them on. . . but they really didn't do the trick for me. I have my fingers crossed on the third, which should get here in a few days -- but I think I'll actually go an try some on over the weekend. Maybe a trip to Rosa Cha is in order. . . :)

I also bought the dress shown below from Athleta. . size medium! It fits great, but the back has this criss-cross action that would make it impossible to wear a bra with the dress. It does have one of those built in bras, but I'm not 100% loving it. . I'd rather look less. . well, squished! I am going to ask my tailor if she can sew something into the lining to make it more like a proper bra. We'll see. .

And, I'm totally psyched for the weekend, because my friend L (at left) is visiting from London, and she, Nadia and I are having dinner together tonight! I can't wait! Has been too long! I am looking forward to seeing her reaction to the change in my appearance. Even Nadia noticed a big difference when I saw her last weekend. I think that the last 5-7 pounds I lost actually made a more noticeable difference than the first 30 that I lost. Interesting!

It Is Decidedly So . . .

Despite its appeal. . and, er. .obvious scientific merit. . I actually did not consult a Magic 8 Ball when I was making my decision!

After thinking it out carefully, reading your comments, and talking to a few friends and family members, I decided not to go to Jessica & Chris's wedding. I was really surprised that almost every comment on my last post said I should go! Believe me . . . the fantasy of showing up fully beautified in a ridiculously hot -- yet tasteful -- dress was a lot of fun to think about!! But, the reality is that I'm not such close friends with J&C that missing their wedding would be a huge deal to me, or to them. And, my thought is that if going and seeing PP (particularly if he is engaged to that girl by then) would make me feel badly for even 5 minutes of my life, then that would be 5 minutes too many.

In terms of the revenge-ish angle, it just doesn't have a big enough payoff for me to make it worthwhile. I don't want him anymore. No matter how he might feel seeing me at that event, it ultimately makes no difference to me at all. Also, I know myself, and if I were to go, I'll be thinking about it frequently from now until June. I'd be thinking about PP when I chose my dress, when I decided what shoes to wear, how to wear my hair, etc. -- and my effort would largely be based on him. But he isn't worth that effort, and I am not going to waste any more of my energy on him than I already have.

In looking at my calendar, I realized that I had actually already made plans to be out on Long Island with other friends over the wedding weekend. So, I was able to truthfully tell Jessica that I'd learned of a scheduling conflict and would have to change my RSVP. I was honest that the information she shared about PP impacted my decision, and I thanked her for being such a sister and sharing that information with me. She is a great girl and clearly understood exactly where I was coming from, and sent me back a very nice, gracious response. So, we are fine and this matter is all straightened out.

I feel really good about my decision, and I know that it was the right one for me. In fact, I feel a bit empowered by it. I want the next time that I put substantial effort into getting ready for an event to be either simply for myself, or for someone worthy of that effort. And that person is not going to be PP. That much I can say with certainty!

Have a great night! :)

Dilemma

Over the weekend, I went to the bachelorette party of my friend Jessica. I really like Jessica, but don't know her that well. We do things with one group of friends together, but I don't think we've even ever talked on the phone, and I don't have her number. I actually got to know her during events leading up to Erica and Adam's wedding last summer, since her fiance (Chris) is friends with PP, Adam and that group of guys. If none of this sounds familiar, just click on this link and you'll find a few posts with all of the background info.

After all the anxiety I had about having to see PP and his new girlfriend at A&E's wedding last summer, I decided early on that I would decline the invitation to Jessica and Chris's wedding. I just didn't want to put myself through that again.

HOWEVER, Erica told me that PP was not invited to the wedding, since he and Chris aren't as close anymore. So, when I got my invitation, I marked it "accepts with pleasure" and sent it back. (I was not invited with a date.) The wedding is at a great venue here in NYC, I really like the couple, and a bunch of other friends will be there. Sounds like a wonderful time.

So, at the bachelorette party, I was talking with Jessica and she mentioned how she got a huge stack of RSVPs when she got back from a recent trip. I don't know why I asked, since I already had it on "good" authority from Erica, but I asked her if PP was invited. AND, he is. And, he is bringing that girl. And they are now living together. AND, apparently, he told Chris about a week ago that they have been looking at engagement rings. Seriously?

Look, I don't want PP back anymore, and I mean that in earnest. What this new person has is just not something that I want. However, that does NOT mean that I want to go to a wedding (without a date, no less) and have to see them together, potentially waving around her engagement ring and exuding happiness. I just know that will have the potential to make me upset.

However, on the other hand, I really don't want him back. And, some petty part of me really wouldn't mind showing up in a fabulous dress looking my absolute best and letting him eat his heart out. And, trust me, I know him well enough to know that this will completely mess him up for at least a few days. Also, I was looking forward to this event when I didn't think he would be there. I found a great dress to wear and was looking forward to seeing some friends there who I don't get to see all that often.

Also, Jessica was really surprised when I told her that Erica said that PP was not invited. Apparently, Erica never even ASKED Jessica a thing about the guest list. So, I'm really at a loss to know why she would have told me that. And, I'm really pretty p*ssed about the whole thing, since now I already accepted the invitation and if I bow out, everyone will know why. GRRRR!!

I would love to get your opinion -- what would you do in my place? Go to the wedding or bow out?

Seventy-six. . .

Wow. I kind of thought the scale was at a stand-still. But, this morning, it's down a grand total of 76.4 pounds. I haven't seen this number on my scale since probably 1997. I am now 8.6 pounds away from my aspirational goal. You know. . the one I didn't DARE to set as a goal because I could not imagine there being any possibility of me ever getting there?! That's the one. Wow.

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If it can happen for me, it can happen for you. This is really incredible.

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I am heading to a reunion of my first firm I ever worked at tonight. We started having these annual reunions about 3 years ago. I skipped the first one because of my weight -- just like my 20 year high school reunion. How sad it is to think back on how I felt when I decided not to go to those events, and the underlying reasons. By the second, I was probably about 40 or 50 pounds down and felt good enough to go, and enjoyed catching up with everyone. This year, I will be there for sure. It feels good not to have that weight on me . . literally and figuratively!!

"'Madonna' Just saying the word makes me feel powerful."

The above quote comes from tonight's episode of Glee. It was delivered with deadpan, laugh-inducing humor. But. . I don't even know how I've gone this long without confessing my total admiration, love and. . well, respek for Madge, Madonna, Esther, The Material Girl.

I remember coming across her music in 1984 on Skye TV when I spent the summer in Holland at my mom's house. That was the summer I discovered Borderline and Wham's Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, among other '80s gold. Classic. I moved to Saudia Arabia that summer and remember buying a bootleg cassette tape of a mix of her songs at the tape souk in downtown Yanbu, Saudi Arabia. (No worries, I've since paid for all of those songs and more. . . )

In any event, her inimitiable personal style, imminently dancable/sing-along-able music and unabashed confidence has stuck with me ever since. Thank God. And, I've taken plenty of inspiration from Madge's all-empowered, unapologetic attitude through the years. Between that and her omnipresence on my gym mix, I have to give her at least a bit of credit for her hand in getting me toward my goal.

So, thanks, M. You are definitely no. 1 on my list of celebrities I'd like to have lunch with. Just before Jesus, and two above Olivier Martinez. Priorities people. Priorities. (Cut to lightening striking me. . .)

And. . . in other news, guess what bandster gathering I'm planning to attend?? Looking forward to it!!

Having a ball!

This weekend was a lot of fun. On Friday night, I went to see American Idiot on Broadway (musical where all the music is from Green Day's album of that title). It was alright, but I'm not a big Green Day fan, so I was not that in to it. I wouldn't recommend seeing it unless you really like the band and don't mind hearing somewhat Broadway-ified versions of their songs. It's just not rock & roll to me if the singer enunciates too clearly!

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On Saturday night, Marjorie and I went to dinner at the private club where I met C with friends who are members. This is such a cool club, and we had a fantastic time.

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Now I know how it feels to be a kid at Chuck E Cheese!

We had dinner in the dining room there. It was delicious. I had hamachi sashimi to start, followed by gnocci with parmesan, butter and sage. Everything went down just fine, and I even had a few bites of their Nutella pudding for dessert. Yum yum. After that, we went upstairs to the lounge for drinks. At some point, Marjorie and one of our other friends went up another level and came across this completely insane party!

They had filled an entire room with plastic balls and had a really good, high-energy band playing in there. There were all of these very attractive hipster kids hanging out there, some dancing, some lounging on the floor in the ball piles. It was the craziest thing!!

One of our dreamy fellow partiers. . he was tall and had a French accent. . .

The adorable guy above took the following photo of Marjorie and me. I hope you guys will appreciate that this was a huge fashion leap for me to wear that shirt. It is sleeveless and is open in the back. It is a very sexy, very naked shirt! There is no way in this world that I would EVER have worn anything even close to this naked before my band, or even before about 10 pounds ago. But, with 11 months of Boot Camp under my belt, I was really surprised to find that I actually have good definition in my arms and that I really liked how it looked. Major NSV.

I may have to get this shirt surgically attached though, since it seems to have supernatural man magnet powers. I really wish I had a photo of the back to show you. I don't know when I've ever been approached by more attractive, interesting men in one night. Three very cute guys asked me for my phone number, and two were already in touch several times today. I am actually interested in one of them (he is from Texas too and went to my college, so he gets extra points for that), though he lives in DC, and I'm not sure when he'll be in New York next. *Update* It turns out that this guy and I went to high school together and have friends in common. Small world!

I decided not to go out with the other guy who got in touch today -- and my reason may sound a little unusual. I don't know how old he is, but I'm guessing early 30s at the most. He was model good looking (as cute as the guy in the photo above) and seemed nice. But I honestly thought it was weird for someone like him to be hitting on a 39 year old (naked shirt or not) when he would look more at home with a gorgeous 19 year old model. Plus, he sent me a ton of texts today and was trying to get together for brunch, or drinks this week, etc., and I just found him a little weird. He also asked me out for today when I met him last night. Call me a cynic, but I have to assume that someone who looks like that but acts so desperado has something wrong with him. Honestly, I was half wondering if maybe he wanted to rob me or something!

The Fling Has Flung.

Well, after that recent post about my fun day out in Brooklyn with C, I thought I shouldn't leave you all hanging on that front. . . Alas. . am right back where I started before that weekend! Not that this should be a big surprise to anyone, myself included.

I wound up seeing C on Friday night and hanging out with him, his cousin and one of their friends at one of his favorite bars in Brooklyn. I had a really good time, and it was great to see him, as always. I liked his cousin a lot, and thought it was interesting that she told me she was glad to meet me because C never brings girls around. I was surprised by that, but it doesn't change that C isn't looking for anything more serious, exclusive, etc. Ultimately, this is just not what I want, and after six months, this fling needs to be flung so that I can increase my likelihood of finding what I do want.

So. . enough back-sliding on my part. I'm just not cut out to stay in something this long that has zero potential to evolve into something more meaningful. I just realized that it is getting to the point where I like him enough that this state of affairs is going to start making me unhappy, and . . . why would I want to make myself unhappy? Exactly! I wouldn't.

No matter the outcome, I don't regret a second of this. C is a sweetheart of a guy and he did wonders to get me over the breakup with PP. I'll be surprised if we don't wind up staying friends in the long term, but it's time for me to focus my energy elsewhere. So. . . stay tuned. . .

Underground Supper Club . . .

It was a gorgeous weekend here in NYC, and I really enjoyed it. I did way too many things and did not get enough sleep, but it was well worth it. On Saturday, I went to another event held by the supper club group that I like so much and whose events I've been to a few times. (After my Google Alert outing. . I'm a little paranoid about including group and place names, so bear with me. .)

This dinner was inspired by an exhibit at a very cool space -- it's a small gallery, and its metal walls open up to bring the outdoors in a bit, and to invite interaction from passers by. Here is a link to a photo of the gallery that will give you a better sense of what it looks like.

From the inside, looking out.

The exhibit was based on the concept of quarantine, so we had a quarantine-inspired meal. I've never had anything even remotely like this, and thought it was amazing. Really good, interesting food, and an incredibly creative, interesting and even humorous presentation.

The first course was served in a petri dish! It was Steelhead trout roe in a gelee. The "mold" is a powder that tastes of Meyer lemon, which was a nice touch. It definitely looked like something you should NOT eat, but it was absolutely delicious!

The accompanying cocktail. . . effervescent vertical vodka. . was served in a test tube. And, between the strength of the drink and its presentation, it certainly got the conversation going.

The second course was a hirame sashimi, served in a bell jar. The quarantine concept that course represented was "fumigation," so (I think hickory) smoke was injected into each jar, and it imparted a very light flavor to the incredibly fresh fish.

Course 2: "The Fumigation" -- When I opened mine, the smoke wafted out. It was cool and delicious!

The third course, "The Installation," was my favorite. It was a ravioli, accompanied by incredible white and black truffle-infused sauces. And, everything came in hermetically sealed plastic bags. . and we all got our own pair of scissors for the course. It was so much fun to put this together, and the dish was incredibly flavorful and yummy. Another thing I liked about this meal was that all of the courses were relatively small -- and just about everything served was band-friendly.

I'll leave out the fourth (24 day dry aged beef) and fifth (cheese with fruit and bread) courses in the interest of not overburdening you with food porn. . . but I didn't want to leave out the desserts. There were five different items, each based on a different cocktail. Between the hermetically sealed bags of the third course and this tray, this meal was an OCD dream! :)


Each of these desserts is based on a different cocktail. People were especially raving about the one on the top left, which is a tangy ball of lemon curd that represented the daiquiri. My favorite was the one on the bottom left. It was a gooey chocolate truffle that was frozen in liquid nitrogen (we got to watch this before dinner), then coated in cocoa butter. Once the truffle thawed, it was gooey and delicious, but neatly contained in its cocoa butter shell.

Catherine, Jonny and Michael

A friend recently asked me whether being banded took away from my enjoyment of eating out and attending events like this. My view is that it's actually added to my enjoyment, since I get all of the pleasure of trying things without having to feel bad about it later. There is something very nice about having a six course meal like this one, being able to try and enjoy everything, but not feeling overly full at its end. No matter how many decadent things I try, I never eat enough to make a significant difference on the scale the next day. And, not having any residual guilt (e.g. about enjoying a nice meal when I should be sticking to my diet. .) is incredibly freeing and definitely lets me enjoy things like this more than I did in the past.

Goal Gift

My mother and I were talking about what I might do for myself as a goal gift, and I had a realization that really hit home for me. I already have my goal gift. There is no better present that I could have ever given myself than to get to this point. There is not one single thing I could buy that would be worth more to me than actually feeling good about my weight and how my body looks.

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Even though I've been this weight in my adult life, I didn't appreciate it when I was at it at a younger age -- I thought I should be thinner. But now, I am enjoying it.

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So, along with the gift of feeling good, my "goal gift" also includes a host of other things, like (in no particular order):

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- Being able to shop anywhere I like;

- Wearing heels all day long without my feet killing me;

- Looking so much healthier and better;

- Not avoiding old friends because of my weight;

- Being able to RUN because my compartmental syndrome is completely resolved; and

- Being more comfortable on planes, on the subway, etc.

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Maybe I'm a little superficial because all the things I take the most joy in are related to clothes and looking better! :) But, I shouldn't ignore a few more gifts that come along with getting to my ideal BMI range, like:

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- Substantially lowering my risk for heart disease, diabetes, joint pain, and back problems; and

- Increasing my chances of being a healthy person with good energy and mobility when I am older.

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Those two are too important not to mention. I also went back to look at the Pro/Con List I wrote down in my pre-op journal, and realize that every single thing I was looking for has come true (well, other than the thing about not being a fat bride. . but there's still time for that one)! For anyone starting this process, I can't encourage you enough to make a list like this and to keep it and come back to it as you go through the process of getting to goal. It was especially helpful in reinforcing my decision before I had the surgery, but I also have re-read it countless times during the past 15 months, and it has helped to keep me focused on why I am doing this.

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So, I'm not going to buy myself a big giant goal present. . . though I'm certainly going to indulge in more clothing! Turns out that the best present I could give myself wasn't one that I could buy. I wonder why it took me until now to fully realize that!

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!!!! I hit my goal this morning!!! As of today, I am down 75.2 pounds! Wow!! I knew that this was technically possible when I started out this process, but it was so hard to imagine it being a reality.

I only have a few minutes to write before work, but I wanted to let you -- and my friend Christina, who lives in Berlin -- know that I finally opened her "goal" present this morning! It's been sitting on my counter for so long, and I've been dying to open it! Here it is -- a gorgeous pair of dangling earrings and an extremely fabulous matching bracelet, accompanied by a really great, and extremely nice, card! I am going to wear the bracelet today as a secret sign to remind myself that today is the day I met my goal.

Here is a comparison shot. . . me in May 2008, before I was banded. I am wearing the same jeans in both photos. . only difference being that I can now get both of my legs into one leg-hole these days! You can't really see just how big the jeans are in this photo (which Yana was nice enough to take for me when she was over last week), so I'm including two more photos of me in my "Jared" pants!

Oh, how I love to play Jared from Subway. . . :)

Another "Jared" shot. . .

And, I really liked the following photo for my seventy-five / goal number shot, because it reminds me of all of the people -- you included -- who have supported me every day through this whole process, with your nice comments, your own stories, and by listening to (or reading) me as I have gone through the last 15 months. That has been a huge source of encouragement, inspiration and motivation for me, and I thank you!

Ten more pounds to go to my aspirational goal! (But I reserve the right to stop before that point if I'm looking too thin. . oh, to have such a problem!!) :)

So close!!! Only .8 to go to goal!!!

It's an Easter miracle!! This morning the scale moved down 2/10ths of a pound! Normally, I only get a little excited about a loss that small . . . but today. . TODAY!!! That loss means that the first three numbers on my scale are my goal weight number!!! WOOOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!! I am so excited!!

Me, taken yesterday by my lovely mother

My mother is in town right now for Easter, and we've been having a fantastic time! Yesterday, we went into a chic boutique in the West Village. . . and I saw a gorgeous green dress on the 50% off rack. It was calling to me. . . but then, I saw that it was an 8. A boutique 8. . and they didn't have it in a 10. My mother and the salesgirl encouraged me to try it anyway, and it fit!! Will post a photo soon!

Mom & me, having lunch in Soho yesterday.

As some of you may know, my mother is an avid follower of many bandster blogs. She posts as "Kathy," so you might not have made the connection if you have seen her comment on your blog. Among her favorites (to name only two of many) are Cara's and Roo's blogs. AND, I wanted to let Roo and Cara know that my mother is planning to be in Dubai later this year -- and hopefully Australia the next -- and that she would absolutely love to meet you both if you happen to be free for lunch when she is in your neck of the woods!

I also want to thank the lovely Camille and Roo for nominating me for The Stiletto Award! I am honored to be in such good company with your other nominees!

I am also delinquent in thanking Cara, Manda, Gilly and Beth for their very kind nomination of me for the Sunshine Blogger Award! I love all of you girls and really enjoy reading your blogs. It is so great to see all of the progress we are all making, and to know that we are all in this together! xoxoxo

One last thought I wanted to share with you today is that I'm actually going to go for my aspirational goal of 10 pounds less than my current one. A few people have posted to say that they hope I won't stop blogging (like some of our old timer favorites) when I get to goal. So, at my current rate of 2 pounds a month, that guarantees at least another 5 months! And I don't plan to stop after I get there.

Have a wonderful Sunday!! :)

The Sisterhood Strikes Again. . . With Closet Shopping!

Yana & me at my apartment last night!

Yana has a few events coming up, so I suggested that she come by to try on a few of the nice dresses that I have from before my surgery. Other than those few really special pieces and my two pairs of "before" pants (so I can play Jared from Subway!), I have pretty much gotten rid of every article of clothing I have that is in a size above 14. I should get rid of the 14s too. . but all things in due course.

There were two dresses I had in mind for Yana, and they both fit her really well and looked great!! So, I lent her both of them and will look forward to seeing photos of her enjoying wearing them! She really looked fantastic in both!

This is my favorite of the two dresses. . . I am wearing it at my friend Sharon's wedding in Italy in September 2007. The girls next to me are two of my best friends, L and Nadia.

The other dress has navy and white polkadots, and I bought it to wear to another friend's wedding in Italy . . this time in June of 2006 (doesn't anyone get married in the USA anymore?. . LOL). The men on either side of me are Scottish, and they are wearing kilts! Unfortunately for you, I didn't like how my body looked so. . . as per my usual old practice. . . I cropped liberally. Sorry ladies!! :)

And, for comparison's sake, here is me in the Karen Millen dress that I wore last weekend!