St. Valentine's Day Loot for Steve!
I'm hiding out in the bedroom right now, while Steve is preparing a surprise Valentine's Day dinner for me! Happily, he sent me off with a glass of wine, some cheese and Max (my cat), so I thought I'd use this time to do a post.-
On the way home, waiting for the subway, I was thinking about how good things are right now, and I wondered to myself whether this 41 year old version of myself was what I imagined I'd be years ago. The fact that I'm not married and don't have any children is the one thing that isn't what I'd expected. But I am happy in my relationship with Steve and with my other relationships too. I also achieved my ambition of being a partner in a law firm, which is something I'd wanted since I decided on law as a career.
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Things that are even better than I'd hoped include how thin I am. Not that I'm sooooo thin at 150-ish (I bounce between 149 and 153). But, I never thought I'd get to feel good about my weight and how my body looks -- or that I'd feel like it wasn't a constant struggle. I also never dreamed that I'd be this athletic. Those parts of my life are way, way better than what I'd imagined. (The several year period I spent being obese, not-so-much!)
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I very often think about having kids, and what the future holds for me there. I really love children and always thought that I would have two (a boy and a girl, in that order, thank you very much). At the wise old age of 41, however, I see some distinct pros and cons there. Pros being that amazing love I see friends feel for their children, and all the fun parts of parenting. Cons being the constant drains on time, energy and money... and the sense of entitlement that goes along with being a kid, which surely can make any parent feel unappreciated and exhausted.
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I once had a friend tell me... "Catherine, I love my children -- don't get me wrong -- I LOVE MY CHILDREN -- but, if I had never had them, I have no doubt that I could still be a 100% self-actualized and happy person." I think about that often. Also, I've seen enough people who have kids who suck -- from the ones who are just natural born jerks to the ones who are liars, thieves and addicts -- to know that it's possible for even good parents to get a lemon. That scares the cr*p out of me. I don't want to mess up my life!
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So, sometimes I think about what it would be like if I just kept on this path. The path where I don't have to pay $30K a year in kindergarten tuition (I am not even kidding) so that I can stay in the city and my child can go to a decent school. The path where I get to relax at night and not worry if a business trip or fun trip crops up. But then, I think about being in my 70s and 80s and not having my own nuclear family to spend holidays with, and I think about not being able to watch a little person I love grow into an adult that I (fingers crossed!) love, like and respect. In so many ways, I think it's better to just have kids while you are young and haven't been spoiled by years of personal and relative financial freedom.
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But darn it. I just really like the little stinkers. What am I going to do? I know it's going to ruin this longstanding party I've been having, but part of me just wants what it wants. Oy...
18 comments:
I will be 30 in a few months and I have many of the same thoughts you do.... Everyday it's always up in the air which side I am favoring... frustrating and stressful all in one
This is such a huge thing - especially it seems when you hit 40. I'm doing the same thing now, deciding if we want a second child.
There's nothing wrong with saying I like my life the way it is and I don't want to give up the freedoms I have for the overwhelming responsibilities of a child. That being said, I can't imagine my life without my daughter. It often feels like all my decisions (good and bad) lead me to her. I am the same person as I was before she was born, I still shop, work, have fun with friends, but she my priority.
Ultimately I think you will just know.
Sorry for the long comment - enjoy your Valentine's dinner. I'm so curious about what's in the Agent Provocateur bag...
After we had our first child, for me - I swore that was it. Of course every time I turned around everyone asked "when are you going to have another?" and that just made me more sure of my decision NOT to. I always told people I was content with one and if and when I wanted more - I'd just know. And I can't explain it - but seriously - it was a thought, a feeling - that popped up just one day for no reason. And then it kept popping up and I couldn't shove it away - wanting and knowing I needed one more became all that mattered. I knew it was my destiny just as sure as a few months prior I had no idea if I'd ever feel that way again. I think if you truly are meant to be a parent - and can't be okay without it - the idea, thought and feeling of that will not go away. It'll just keep coming more and more...
PS - I think you'd be a great mom.
When Scott and I had been married for about a year, we started trying to have a baby. After a year of trying, and being told by my doctor, "Don't worry, you're so young, it will happen," she finally sent me to a fertility doctor. Turns out that I have PCOS and can't have babies without heavy duty fertility drugs. We tried a couple more years with fertility treatment and when it didn't work, we got to a point that we had to decide whether to do IVF or not. We decided not to...would have had to go into major debt and all of the concerns that you mention - not being able to travel, drains on money and time, etc. - we decided to stop trying. I have no regrets. I think if it had happened when I was 26 years old it would have been great, but now? I love my life the way it is. I love being an aunt to my little nephew and also having a really special relationship with a dear friend's 12 year old daughter. I think there are more ways than motherhood to have kids in your life...but if you have a strong calling to be a mom, go for it!
Great thought provoking post :)
Hope you enjoyed that surprise dinner.
Oh Catherine, I really feel for you.
I read your whole blog just before Christmas and the one thing that struck me is how, just like me, you have a deep rooted desire to have children of your own.
Yes they turn your life upside down. (I would think another big concern would be where you live as you've mentioned before it's one bedroom.) They make a mess and cost a fortune (oh my word $30K for kindergarten! seriously? Wow!) but they fill your heart with joy and love every minute of every day.
I think you would be happy if you never have children. You have wonderful friends, a close family, a successful career but in my opinion (for you personally from what you write on here) you would feel like you were missing something.
Discuss it with Steve. You have been together a while and you should be able to say "In the future, I would like children," without him freaking out. Just make it clear you don't mean right now.
I cannot really add anything that the others haven't said. I have four kids and a grandchild. I sacrificed a career for it. Do I regret it? sometimes. Would I regret not having had my kids..I am sure I would sometimes. I figure it is like most things in life. whichever you choose will come with joys and regrets. There is no perfect path in life just the the one your on.
Good luck in your deciding. I know whichever path you choose will be good.
xxxooo
Well, you know what I'm going to say. :) Four kids. Without question, absolute best part of life, best thing we ever did. Infinitely better than my career as a lawyer, better than all the nice dinners, vacations, and material stuff. Better even when they suck and are annoying kids. I am especially grateful for kids numbers 3 and 4 - the ones we planned, but weren't sure we "needed." They have brought unbelievable joy to our family.
I had my last at 39, and it only took one shot, but once I hit 40, 41, 42, I could tell things were different in the fertility department. Its not a decision you want to rush, obviously, but its now or never if you want a biological kid. Just a fact!
What does Steve think? I think you would be an amazing mom. :)
I can't imagine what a difficult decision this is to even consider. How does Steve feel about children, is it something he wants eventually, or would you be doing this as a single mother?
Such a personal decision. I didn't want kids. I have/had such a great job, travelled, toys, plays, clothes. I generally spoiled myself silly...then I just felt something was missing at 35. I did not want to take my career any further and it just kept bothering me that something was missing. So my husband and I decided to have our child. It has been challenging being the old mom but then it has been easier too because I have money and a flexible career to be able to dedicate to my child. I don't want anymore but I have thought about adoption or foster home but my husband is not up for it. I may not drive a lexus anymore or my hubby a bmw but we have an awesome kid in a great school that I love going to all his games, practices and events. My life has completely changed but I love it and I am glad I waited because I have no regrets..I really enjoyed my younger years doing whatever I wanted.
Wow. And unfortunately, it's one of those decisions that only you can make. Personally, I wish I would've waited longer to have kids and enjoyed just being married for awhile. Sometimes I look at my childless (by choice) friends and think they've really got it made. They don't have the same kind of financial struggles we do and they travel a lot more. I love my kids but there are definitely pros and cons. I wouldn't trade them for anything but there are some things I feel I miss out on. Have you and Steve discussed this at all? Happy Valentine's Day, albeit late!
My six-year-old son was an unplanned pregnancy. When he came home it was as though he was always there. He's a very bright, high-energy but sweet and caring boy and can drive me insane like no one but I wouldn't trade him for the world.
Sometimes I think how I could be living in a cool downtown apartment overlooking the city and living a more urban lifestyle. Working out every single day without a care in the world, buying what I want and traveling as I see fit. But, he's worth it.
As a side note, shows such as Intervention etc, which depict the perfectly normal children who grow up into drug addicted adults scare the !@#$ out of me.
I have this conversation all the time with myself also. Its so hard.
Well, Catherine, this is a real pickle you've got on your hands! Because, really, I see all your points. Here I am--53, married going on 30 years, with a 26 year old son and a 20 year old daughter. Love them beyond reason. Both kids are off doing what they do--the older one *this* close to his PhD and the other a junior in college. Essentially, we are empty nesters. Both my husband and I have had full-on careers--worked alot, traveled alot and climbed those ladders alot....for all of those years! It was exhausting and tiring and many times filled with angst and crazy guilt. Thank GOD I was younger! Quality daycare and good schools were expensive (still paying college tuition...oh my!). Would I do it all over again? I couldn't even begin to answer that complex question! What I will say is that now that I know my children, I would have truly missed alot not having them in my life! If I would have NEVER known them--different story! Maybe I should have done things differently career-wise during those years. Now that I have the benefit of hindsight and the benefit of feeling very different about my career than I did way back then--that's easy to say! Now--my career is no longer important. My job is important. The people I work with are important. What I do is important. But, I'm no longer doing things for my career...I'm not stopping and thinking about what it will or won't mean to my career. It's very very freeing. All of this coming from a woman who works in the field of CAREERS!
In any case--I know I could have been happy without children....but NOT without MY children. Like I said---complex!
Sometimes this empty nest-freedom to do what we went whenever we want feels like a reward for all of those years of really, really hard work. Sometimes this empty nest thing-freedom to do what we want whenever we want feels just too quiet and purposeless.
Whatever you chose...be happy.
Happiness and love came in many forms....
Onward!
Judi
I love my kids but am glad I had them in my 20's. I have two friends who had kids recently and it is hard on them!
Oh Catherine, what a question and what a decision! I was determined all through my 20s and most of my 30s that I absolutely 100% did NOT WANT children. Then I met my hubby and after a few years we got to talking that maybe we should give it a try and hit paydirt at the first attempt. I had my little boy when I was 37, so definitely on the older side (termed as "geriatric" in all the medical paperwork - nice, huh?!) There are days when he's an absolute bugger and I completely regret having him (honestly, I do), but there are other days when he's at nursery and I find myself looking forward to him coming home and hearing what he did, and having cuddles and snuggling on the sofa with him. There is such joy and wonder in these small people - my son even thinks that mopping up his spilled Cheerios from the floor is fun (ah, the innocence of youth!) Without him we could go travelling more, go out more, I could probably have continued in my career or perhaps have started something new, all of the decisions we make wouldn't be based round him (which, when you're a selfish beatch like me, can be REALLY hard!), we would have more money, and be less tired. But would we be any happier? Who knows.
This comment isn't going to help you make your mind up; you can discuss it with other people til you are blue in the face, but only you (and Steve) can know what it is you really want. But if you are in it together, then that's what matters, whichever path you choose.
Have you read Committed? The follow up to eat.pray.love? If not, you should. I am reading it right now and she talks a lot about marriage, and currently the chapter I am on deals with having babies. heather and i go back and forth about whether or not we want to have kids. If our two eggs could someone make one via lovie lovie time, we would have some already I am sure. But for us...there is more too it of course. I went to this lecture on the brain and love on Friday and it talked about parenting, so I come home and tell heather (after I have decided again that we would be great parents) that we are having a kid. She said she decided we werent...bc we cant afford one. Well, thats most people...but you make it work. But I said fine...then I want a ski boat. I have never had the baby bug. I am pretty sure I would rock it, and I know the balance of me and heather would be great. I on the other hand, have always had the wedding bug...and it breaks my heart every day that in Florida...as in many states...I cant marry the one I love. Of course we could have a ceremony or whatever, but Heather feels like until its legal where we live...it would be like playing house. FINE...just give me a diamond. There is no law against, or for, engagement! I want a pretty ring.
Sigh. Look what you have done.
Anywho...if you make a baby...send us some of Steve's sperm. I am going to start freezing dixie cups of love juice in the fridge. Certainly you can reheat that stuff in the microwave and use it at a later date dont you think? jussst kidding.
kinda :) xoxo
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