Yesterday, my friend sent around a link to his photos from Abaco. He is a really good photographer, and the quality of his pictures is really amazing. I love the one of Brooke and me above. That said.... this is the first time I've ever been on vacation where I didn't have a pretty strict Don't-Photograph-Me-In-My-Bathingsuit-Without-My-Express-Permission policy, so there were quite a few photos of me in my swimsuit.Looking at these photos in the throes of PMS was not the smartest thing I've ever done... I was really feeling very down last night. I guess that, after three years of working my @$$ off, I thought I was going to look like a Victoria's Secret swimsuit model in my bikini. By the light of day, I remember how grateful I am for how far I've come, but last night I was engaging in a pity party.
I normally tend to be a positive person, but I was really in the dumps last night. Steve called, and I was telling him how I felt, and his response was "Well, if you feel like you want to lose a little more, you have the tools to do that." OK, that wasn't his ENTIRE response, but it was the part that I took away from the conversation. It totally bummed me out. Wasn't he supposed to say "You're totally insane! You are perfect!!"? Actually, after we got off the phone, he knew I was upset, so he called again and did say all the right things. ... Which was really nice because I was in total PMS crybaby mode. How ridiculous is that?! I should be celebrating the fact that I have come as far as I have, not nit-picking my imperfections.
Disclosure: The Lap Band does not magically make cellulite disappear....
Note to self: Never, EVER, ever hold your arms out like this in a photograph. It's the one position where my arms look bat-wing-y. Also note to self: You should feel so freaking lucky that this is the case, instead of being upset when you saw this photograph.
I don't just want to focus on the photos that weren't so flattering because (a) that's not the full picture and (b) I really don't want to put them all up. So, let's put some of the nice ones up.-
Disclosure: I totally knew this one was being taken and had time to suck in the ole stomach. Much better!
I liked this one, too.
And, I thought this one of Steve and me was a keeper.
I'm not sure yet what my take-away is from my PMS-induced wah-fest. I guess it's not to be so hard on myself and to remember how far I've come, and to be grateful for that. I DO feel that way the vast majority of the time. It's amazing (in that it's so incredibly ridiculous) that I spent even 5 seconds feeing bad about that arm photo, given that I got there from HERE.-
I also was reminded that Steve never knew me in my pre-goal iteration, so he never even saw me 10 pounds heavier than I am now. I know that it is hard for him to understand just how hard I worked to get to goal since, for him, how I look now is how I've always looked. He really was very sweet and supportive last night, especially during that second call. I just kept thinking --- oh boy.. he is going to think I'm totally disfunctional for freaking out like this, but he could not have been nicer or more understanding.
26 comments:
You look beautiful, and yes - you have a right to feel whatever you are feeling because you are human! And remember - we are always harder on ourselves than anyone else is! I'm glad you had a good time, and that you let yourself be photographed... You've come an amazing way!!! xoxoxoxo
You can wear a BIKINI! That should say it all! How amazing is that?! You look awesome and I understand the self negitivity, but let me tell you.......your doing awesome!
I admire your ability to wear a bikini!!! I am totally still in Miraclesuit/swim skirt territory.
You look amazing! I love that you're wearing a bikini (and I love that bikini, too).
You look fantastically amazing. I totally get the fault-finding analysis of pictures. I am doing the same thing to my engagement photos even though I am thrilled with them... You have come so far and I find you so inspirational. xxxx
You're looking AMAZING! :)
I do not have the courage (yet?) to wear a bikini. Perhaps one day. You have inspired me to look at buying a bikini this upcoming summer (gasp!)
You're gorgeous! But I also know we are all our own worst critics. You can take a gorgeous picture and nitpick it apart until you come unglued. I gotta tell you though that this is why I love your blog. I've followed your progress but even I sometimes forget that you were a bigger girl. It makes me feel saner knowing you you still have these insecurities from time to time. Not sure if that helps you at all. :)
Oh yeah....the picture problem! It happens to all of us! I did a historical picture gallery on my own blog and it helped to see how far I've come. But, did I let it go at that? No. No. No. I nitpicked my way through them! AND, upon sharing some pictures with a thin and beautiful friend--she emailed me and said "WE ARE NEVER TAKING PICTURES AGAIN" because she was aghast at how she looked! OMG! At the end of the day...I guess it's a good thing that we care so much about how we look...right? Silver lining!!
BUT...let me tell you....you look absolutely gorgeous in that bikini and I don't see bat wings or cellulite of anything that you see. I see a woman who I would love to look like...toned, confident and beautiful. You rock it all!
Steve is a keeper. Sure, he might not have said the right thing at first but the fact that he reflected on what he said and called back to frame it all better says that he thinks you are perfect!
Thanks for sharing your little pity party...we all have them. It's nice to know someone like YOU has them too!
Onward!
Judi
Oh my gosh, I LOVE this post.
First of all, it verifies how we women think.
We want that perfect body don't we. We think we are content and pleased by all the hard-work and even think we are looking pretty good and wham, we see a picture and the negative talk takes over.
Guilty, guilty, guilty.
You know what I did? I just had to click on the one picture that you posted talking about the celulite. I wanted to see it!(sometimes it doesn't pay to be so honest)
But you know what. It made me realize that even you(who I think is perfect with your lap band results) is not perfect.(sorry about that lol)
But we don't have to be perfect. You look great in a bikini. And I feel as long as someone is confident enough to wear what they "want", that is all that matters.
With that said, I completely understand what you are saying. I want control of my pictures! lol
Thanks for sharing your story. You said exactly how I feel.
You look wonderful, but I totally get what you're saying. I really think that our "mental fat" is a hell of a lot harder to get rid of than the physical stuff (and we all know how hard THAT is!). I don't think we can ever be perfectly happy with what we see when we look at ourselves because we can't see ourselves clearly: we only see what we don't like. That's why you need to listen to us and not your mental fat. You look awesome!!!
You look fantastic. I totally understand how you feel, though - the last time I briefly lost 90 lbs, and got down to my lowest adult weight, I had to buy a swimsuit, and thought, 'this will be a snap - I'm not really fat anymore, there will be so many options..." wah, wah, wah....not so much! Especially in those horrible dressing room photos! We will always be the hardest of anyone on ourselves - glad you got it out, and that Steve was so supportive!
FYI: I love your butt so much I'd eat things off it. Just thought I'd throw that out there...
You look amazing... I am glad you are honest about having doubts about your lack of perfect and utter beauty. Your inner beauty makes you even more of a Knockout. It is nice to know that even someone who looks as incredible as you wishes she looked better sometimes. I adore you... Thank you for your sweet note on my blog, of all the pounds I lost these last 2 years.... You are some of the best I gained.
Totally understand the PMS induced pity fest. You look amazing and I'm so proud of you. I wish I was even close to where you are. And, I spit water when I read Gilly's comment!
LOL Gilly!! And Maria, your sweet post brought tears to my eyes! Ah, PMS! :) Thanks for all of the thoughtful posts you guys -- they are totally making me feel better!
I think we will judge ourselves for the rest of our lives, no matter how we look. And all I could think about was that "She wore an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weenie, but no polka dot bikini". There are few in this world who would dare. You did. And really you look great. I love it when we get our man to give us some sweetness. Did you pick him apart his photos with the same critical eye as you did yourself? I bet not. That's what he sees too.
Your unflattering pictures look like pictures of famous people that the tabloids put out. I'd consider this a total score. You're as good looking as a Hollywood actress and have the occasional bad angle photo. That's a reason to celebrate. Oh, and I could lose 200 pounds and you would never be able to photograph my belly as flat while seated. Just sayin!
I love every single picture. Every. One.
Catherine you are so my inspiration!!!! Please don't be so hard on yourself! You look amazing amazing amazing!!! Did I mention amazing?
PMS can really play games with your emotions....believe me -I know....
Have an awesome night and keep rocking those bikinis!
Oh Catherine!!
You look really terrific- and don't forget, most bikini shots you see in magazines are airbrushed to the heavens.
As for the other ones where hard-bodies celebs are photographed without an ounce of fat anywhere and total muscle, that is an unrealistic ideal.
You look like a really healthy and fit person-- and even Victoria Beckham has cellulite.
Go by the numbers on the scale, how your clothes fit and how you feel in general-- and don't forget:
there are some women who will NEVER wear a bathing suit anywhere.
Don't be cowed by a few bad angles, You are fabulous and gorgeous... and a huge success in fitness and health.
I think it's fair to say you inspire an awful lot of people out here in bandland. I think the fact that you are willing to share these photos with us is further demonstration of why you are inspiring.
You look so fucking fantastic, I can't even tell you. Don't let any of these pictures bother you, because they're all great.
You have a beautiful body. (That kinda sounded like I was hitting on you, but you know what I mean.) And never forget it!
Just say: I am woman - HEAR ME ROAR!
Excellent post! You should be proud of each and every one of these photos, even the ones that might not be your favorites. In three years (much less really) you have transformed!!! I'm just gonna say it: your a hot piece of ass. (I'll swear for you)
You are beautiful and you can wear a bikini very nicely. I think it speaks volumes from where you were at before.
We love you!!
Oh hell! I just saw that I wrote "your" when I meant "you're". I hate, hate, hate that! Seriously, I'm college educated and everything!
Look dude. I am so proud of you for posting those pictures...not bc they are bad AT ALL, but bc I know how you used to be a "cropper" and sometimes it's hard for you to share things that you don't like...but hot damn...can we talk about that one of you sitting? In a damn bikini? Without rolls? What are you...Heather? I dont see bat wings either in that one picture....but sometimes i am in the pickup truck and have the window down and I shit you not, I will look in the review mirror and my bat wing will just be flapping in the wind. Awesome. And as for cellulite. It's a BITCH! I am still working on making my ass and hamstring muscles so big that it will stretch my fat and dimish the cellulite...I made that up in my head...but a girl has to have dreams!
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