I was kind of bummed out yesterday because I've been starting to like C more as I'm getting to know him, and the indications are that. . . (ugh. . hate this expression. . .) he may just not be that in to me. WTH?! :) I know he likes me as a person, enjoys spending time with me, that there is good chemistry, etc., but my impression right now is that this is never going to turn into anything more intense than casual dating. Basically, he hasn't amped up the amount of effort or energy that he has put into seeing me, and I'm tiring of the status quo.Now here's the funny thing. . . I find myself a little surprised by this! I am a really nice girl, I have great friends, a wonderful family, am successful in my career, etc., etc. He is clearly attracted to me, and we have a lot in common and many common interests, so that's not a problem. Then again, this whole thing did start with an overtone of it not being anything serious, so maybe his male mindset is committed to that mode.
This made me think a bit about my feelings about my weight. In some ways, I'd been assuming that my weight was the main thing holding me back from being in the kind of relationship that I wanted after PP and I broke up -- and that once I got to a good place weight-wise, everything would just fall into place.
Part of that is because by getting my weight into a good spot, I feel wonderful, am more confident, and just feel good about myself in a way that I haven't in years. Another part is that I know that guys are visual creatures and that by being thinner, I'd have a bigger applicant pool of people to date. So, I guess I was kind of expecting that the first guy I liked once I got into a good space would be more excited about the prospect of dating me. So much for that theory!! :)
Meanwhile, I fully recognize that weight isn't the key to romantic happiness. But, it was something that made me feel less good about myself. And, in small way, I even secretly feared that part of what was holding PP back from marrying me was the fact that I was overweight -- even though I'd been heavy the entire time he knew me and he was always very complimentary about my appearance. I guess I thought that if I didn't like myself at that weight, it would be hard for him to.
So now, once again, I'm back dating and find myself with someone who does not seem interested in pursuing a more serious relationship with me. And, I don't even have my weight to blame anymore!! However, you will never find me complaining about not having extra weight so that I can blame it for anything! Instead, I need to just move along and find someone else who is more on the same page. Wish me luck. . . :)
11 comments:
I don't know how comfortable you are in talking with him about this directly, but I think that you owe it to yourself to discuss this with him. If he is just not that into you, you need to move on and find the one who is going to be all about you like nobody's business. Has your current guy had a bad history with women? Maybe he is just reluctant to move on due to somce crazy guy "fear" and if you talk about it, maybe you could move forward. Otherwise, you need to let him know tha you owe it to yourself to move on if this isn't going anywhere.
I hope this helps!
-Stephanie
Could it be that C may be thinking that you're not that into him and doesn't want to put himself out there? Maybe he's sensing some reticence from you? In the past I worked hard to not show how much I liked someone to protect myself from potential heartached and he totally thought I wasn't that interested. I agree with Stephanie that you need to have a chat with him.
You're a beautiful, intelligent, successful woman; you'll meet your guy if it turns out not to be C.
(Just my 2 cents worth :))
When I was dating my now husband, we were at about the 6 month mark and I came out and asked him if he saw a future between us. At that point he said he did, but wasn't ready to get engaged yet. So I gave it another 6 months, and then told him to "#$7%" or get off the pot so to speak. He was still a bit hesitant, so I backed off told him I was going to start opening myself up to dating other people, etc and he changed his toon very quickly when he thought he may lose me. So, we got engaged and then married one year later and are both very happy. I really don't think you should waste too much of your precious time and energy on someone who is not that into you. You are too special of a person (fat-skinny or in between) to not be with someone who appreciates you. Not only that, but the time you spend with someone who doesn't have long range plans in site with you, is time wasted that you could be out meeting the right person. Have the talk, and let the cards fall where they may. You never know what will happen. Have faith!
Catherine, do you want to be with C. long-term? I don't think you mentioned that in your post (although I may have missed it). Before you decide to have any talk with him, make sure you want to be with him rather than try to persuade yourself that he should want to be with you.
You clearly are awesome. Strong, fun, with good friendships, beautiful and of course you have fab taste in clothes. Don't accept anything less than you deserve in a relationship. If he's wishy-washy, ditch him. You deserve to be wooed by someone who truly wants to be with you and can't believe their luck when you say yes.
God gave us intuition for a reason, deep down we know when it doesn't fit. Date others, keep him around as a friend, my husband was my best friend for years before we started dating seriously :)
I think that you should simply do what you need to do to be happy. If C makes you happy, have "the" discussion with him and see what's up. Many men won't put themselves out there to be hurt and he might think that maybe you aren't that into him. The worst that could happen here is you find out that he really isn't that into you, but would that REALLY be the worst thing? Probably not. You're beautiful, successful, and have a good head on your shoulders... there are tons of men out there who would be into you!
Good luck!
~Susan
I have absolutely no sage advice, but I can SO relate to thinking it would all fall into place thin. Sure it's easier now, but it's by no means easy!
Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments and suggestions!
Kristin, I haven't gotten so far as to know what my feelings are, beyond knowing that I like hanging out with him and wouldn't mind getting to know him better.
But I only want to do that if he's enthusiastic about doing the same. It's just not fun or exciting for me if it seems one-sided all of the time, and I've been feeling that way lately.
I can't wait to see you on Sunday and chat more about all of this......xoxo
I feel like I could have written this myself! I just gave myself the 'He's just not that into you' pep talk last week. Met a really nice guy followed me around the party all night, told mutual friends he liked me, etc., etc. we had a really good convo and well long story short we still haven't even gone out! I finally just asked him point blank was he interested in me in that way or not b/c he seems interested at times but his actions are not matching up. I told him its ok if he isn’t but if he is then I would hate for us to miss a good opportunity based on miscommunication. Well he said he was definitely interested but that was over 2 weeks ago and still no progress beyond some text messages... I think I may have mentioned this book called The Soulmate Secret by Ford it’s worth a read if you have not read it before. Get clear on what you want, need, and deserve and hold out for that. I told this guy last Saturday you are going to mess around a miss a good thing..I said it now I have to believe it and stick by it. The right guy will not leave us in the gray zone he’ll be excited to meet and be with a woman like you!
Very insightful Catherine. have you actually had a conversation with him about moving forward??? I suppose their could be no harm if you are unhappy with the present situation...just a thought
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