This morning, I hit 67.2 pounds down. That puts me at just 7.8 pounds from goal (and 17.8 from my aspirational goal. . ). Holy cr@p, that is fantastic!! :)One thing I've been thinking a lot about is -- when it is appropriate to tell a guy about the band after I start seeing them. I think the answer to this varies quite a bit based on the nature of the relationship.
For now, I'm still really enjoying my rebound fling with C, but it's not something that I have any expectation will go anywhere. It's more about me getting back into the swing of things, and I'm really enjoying the attention.
That said, last Wednesday night, he was telling me about his New Year's resolutions and asked if I was making any. I told him that I wasn't going to be making any because (these days) when I want to make a change, I just do it right away, and over the past year, I've really been living out all of my most important past resolutions. I didn't elaborate too much on that. He knows that I've gotten more into fitness during the past year and have toned up and dropped a few pounds (not to mention hiring a tutor to teach me Adobe Illustrator, etc.), but I didn't explain the extent of the health-related changes.
Part of me wanted to get into the grit of the discussion. One of his resolutions was to write more, and my first instinct was to say something about my blog. But, I can't tell him about the blog without telling about the surgery -- and it's not exactly something I want someone who I'm having a physical relationship to read! (He does not need to have my "before" photos emblazoned on his mind!)
Part of my fear in telling a guy about the surgery is that his perception of me will change. I think that's a legitimate concern. Part of that is that I don't want the person to suddenly look at me through some kind of "fat goggles" and suddenly find me as being less attractive. Another part of that is that I don't want the person judging me based on my inability to control my weight without the band. I'd hope that anyone I'd be serious about would view this as a positive though -- that I find a way to fix serious problems when I have them, and that I'm not afraid to make big changes or take calculated, well-researched risks when I need to do so to improve the quality of my life.
Just something to think about. I'm thinking of using C as a guinea pig. . . telling him to see what his reaction is. He's a pretty cool guy -- very open, and I don't think he'd be judgmental about it, and he is likely to have an interesting perspective and to share it with me. And, if he does have a bad reaction, that is a lesson I can take into more serious dating situations. What do you think?
17 comments:
That's an interesting question about when to tell about your band during dating.
I'd say that's a 3rd date conversation. You don't want to let silly, superficial worries or biases scare him off on a first date, but if he's serious enough for a 3rd date, he's probably serious enough to share that information with.
If you go much past that, it might begin to feel like dishonesty through omission. If it's important enough to you to ask the question here, it's probably important enough to bring up sooner rather than later
Congrats on the weight loss, wow you are almost there!
I agree with you - use C as a practice run. See how it goes, although I am sure it will be better than you expected!
This is a very personal subject; however I agree with Adam - it should be discussed early in the relationship. Holding onto this for too long could make him feel that you were dishonest and could create trust issues. It can also drive you crazy in the end! There has to be so many times when you wanted to say something, but couldn't without getting into your history.
I say go for it! Good luck and let us know how it went...
Tell him, but don't base his reaction on how you will deal with it in the future. If he is a jerk about it, then that just means he is a jerk! (I bet he will be very cool about it) The person you eventually get involved and serious with will have to know about it and accept it, otherwise he won't be the right person for you.
I agree with everyone. I think you can definitely tell him any time now. Also, if you wait too long...what if you get stuck or PB or something in front of him? Then it won't have a choice but to tell him and it won't be casting the best light on it. Just a thought. Good luck!
What do you say about your scars? Mine are pretty red/purpleish yet and I'm afraid they might always have a stand out look.
Funny! My word verification is "peter" OMG LOL!! (Obviously a PP reference :D)
Ah hell, I am such a bad one to ask. Do you remember like FOREVER ago when Angie blogged about this and even posted some stuff on Craigslist or something?
I dont know, I tend to think if it is a mature enough man that wants to have a real relationship with you not just bc you are hot but bc be likes you...then it shouldnt matter. If it does matter to him, I would have to wonder about him as a person. ya know?
But if I was single and dating, I dont know when I would tell a guy. maybe 3rd date? I wouldnt be like "Hi, my name is Amy, I am a virgo, like long walks on the beach, and have a lapband." lol
my word verification was peter pan is a douche.
haha, not really!
Hi from Pittsburgh...
Congrats on your wonderful weight loss...you look great. And, I love your blog!
Alright...do you want an old girl who lurks your blog to chime in here about telling boys? (old in terms of being 39+11 years experience and having been banded for 28 months!).
Too late...I'm chiming in...
First...let me tell you that I tell everyone about my band. EVERYONE! But, that's just me...
Having said that, however,
I'm going to disagree with everyone. I'm going to say that if you are wondering if you should tell him then maybe it's not something you want to do. If for no other reason than--what does it matter? It's not like we are obligated to give our medical/surgical/dental/hair coloring history to someone just because we are dating/having a relationship with. It's not dishonesty....it's choice. Now, if he says "did you have weight loss surgery?" and you say "hell no" then you are being dishonest "dictionarily speaking" (but even then if you don't want to answer truthfully, hey that's your choice and it's okay!). I guess my thinking is that unless you see it as a benefit to you to tell him then telling him is of little consequence. It's not like you are keeping a deep dark secret that is harmful to anyone or that severely impacts your integrity. You wanted to lose weight--you found a way to do it and you did it. Period. End of story.
Enjoy yourself, your relationship and your new body!
Judi
I have been thinking about this question of yours and honestly? I don't think I'm capable of weighing in with any great mind-blowing advice .. mainly because I'm in a totally different place than you as of now (ie long time married) and I don't know what it's like out there anymore..
I guess the only thing I could say is just go with your gut. Maybe you will know when the time is right... he may have a knee-jerk reaction and react a certain way (and if its bad .. ignore it.. sometimes some people just need time to process) but mostly, just do what you're comfortable with is my guess. You - like me - haven't told anyone and everyone about the band and I understand your trepidation :)
Onto the other half of your post -slowly but surely you are knocking those last few pounds off.. amazing girl! I honestly can't wait till you post the one where you hit goal - but I'm a little worried - will you still post? Please still post .. I would hate for us to lose you xxx
i tend to agree with judi. maybe its because i'm over 50. i'll tell anyone about my band,and people who think it is the easy way out etc. are just ignorant on the subject. and i have no interest in educating them. i dont sit anyone down and tell them i had weight loss surgery. it might come up if i am with someone who doesnt know and i am drinking or eating and i have to take a break. i'll just say something like i'm stoping so the food can pass my band. i had lap band surgery. some people will be inquisitive and some wont. i consider it no big deal. i needed to lose weight and couldn't do it without some help so i got the help.
I am also over 50 (54). But I can see both sides. I think you should be honest with someone fairly soon (like 3-5 dates) if you are feeling that interested. Like someone else said. It wouldn't look good if you had an unfortunate incident during dinner.
However, I also am one that has never hidden the fact that I had the WLS. But I feel that if the guy is classy & worthy of you, he will understand & accept that this is the choice that you made.
Happy Holiday's
Well, I was on the other side - I started dating BF about two months after he got a band. He waited for a bit to tell me, but we also went a bit slower physically than I had in other relationships, probably because we were fixed up by our parents!
I'm trying to remember when he told me - probably about 5-6 dates in. We were very much into each other. I don't know if I would advise telling this guy as 'practice', because if he isn't important to you, then his reaction isn't important - and everyone is SOOOO different.
Catherine you are doing SO super well with your weight loss.
I agree with people say 3-5 dates and if you think the relationship is going somewhere then tell.
http://betterbanded.blogspot.com/
Thanks everyone for your input! It's so interesting to get your takes on this. For me, I just want to tell him b/c it will open up some more interesting topics for discussion.
OMG -- AMY!!! Both my mother AND myself completely cracked up reading your "Peter Pan is a Douche" post!!! Seriously -- I SNORTED!! You crack me up!! :)
Catherine
Congratulations on your wonderful weight loss!
I am about the same age as you and am a single girl in a big city. I hope to be banded in April or May and have been thinking quite a bit about how handle the "when to tell" issue and agree that the 3rd date seems about right.
I would hate to have to keep coming up with reasons why I eat so little (definitely don't want to seem high-maintenance! lol!) and would prefer to see his true colors earlier rather than later.
I HATE dating and am way past the point where I can spend tons of time figuring out if the guy is one of the good ones or not. If nothing else, I'll use it as a weeding out tool. :)
I really enjoy your blog and wish you much continued success!
I agree w/ what Amy said, maybe 3rd date. Depends on how serious it is. But then again, if you don't plan on getting serious w/ this guy, why tell him? Also good point though, why not test it out on him? So I don't guess I gave great advice b/c I can see the logic in either.
I am tardy for this party-- but my opinion: do whatever you like. If it is going to work out with this guy-- then he will be kind and supportive. If not, he is a douchbag asshold and buh-bye.
FYI: I was just away in Jamaica with my family and we made some new friends. One of them was a woman who is from NYC who had an awesome figure and is 37. I decided to tell her that I would be banded-- partially b/c of that whole feeling of "I know I need to lose weight and I want you to know I know it.." and also because I felt like confiding.
It went over differently than I expected-- she didn't even know what a band was! Anyhow, after I told her, I honestly regretted it--but the cat was out of the bag. Whatever.
It taught me that I actually want to keep this info to myself unless someone specifically asks and really wants to know how I am losing weight.
But this is truly up to you Catherine!! Whatever you decide-- it is the right thing.
Here's to you reaching your goal in a few short months!!! I'm waiting for those "I'm at goal" pix even though you've already essentially gotten there.
Vanessa
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